Prometheus can go fuck himself! (With his fire!)

I....
I.
I didn't want to make this a negative review. I really didn't. I did hear that Prometheus was not as good as expected, but I didn't want to believe them. But about ten minutes into the film I already hated it. Why can't Ridley Scott make good films anymore? I'd really like to list him as my favourite director, but with these recent fuck-ups like Robin Hood and Kingdom of heaven(The director's cut was ok), I really can't do it. Even if my favourite movie of all time (Blade Runner) is his. I just can't.

But knee-deep into the shit. Here we go. (If you prefer the short version, I made a summary at the end. Just scroll down)

I'll... start with the things I liked about this movie. I hear it's somewhat soothing and can rationalize my thoughts. I liked the CGI. I rarely say this, I know, but the CGI was spectacular. Design was also cool(not the script you numbnuts), and props. Nowadays I generally watch movies anyway for the props, ar watch the movie from a propmaker's standpoint. Visually the movie was very pretty. I also liked David's character(the only character in the movie that REALLY had a persona, and even he was a fucking android who was supposed to not have a persona in a sense. Also he liked Lawrence of Arabia. Great flick.)

And that was a short list. Here comes the shit.

The movie opens with a scene in Scotland that makes clear the weird star arrangement thingy that SOMEHOW indicated that people in that star system in a certain planet created us humans. How does one figure that out? No clue whatsoever. Then I went apeshit when a SCIENTIST FOR GODDAMN TESLA'S TITS SAKE proves her theory by saying that she believes so. Here I realized that the movie was going to suck.

The next thing that poked my head(majorly) was the unrealistic composition of things: They are sending a SINGLE ship, crewed by seventeen people, for first contact with an alien race, practically unarmed with no military personnel whatsoever. They even exited the ship the first time completely unarmed because the annoying scientist lady(who is unfortunately also our protagonist, Noomi Rapace) said so. Fucking. Stupid. These people need to die. Luckily they do. (I'm BTW not even oing to bother with spoilers, because I hope no-one of you readers goes to see this film.)

Moving on. The lack of a leader. Or the amount of them. The ship has it's captain(who doesn't lead really anything and just flies the ship as he says himself), the science lady and her mate appointed by the oh-so-crappy-and-obvious-old-person-makeup-and-prosthetics-Mr. Weyland(Guy Pearce). They lead enough to disallow guns and then they kinda don't do it anymore because sex and alien contamination and shit. Then there's the over-aryan blonde woman(hopefully she's a woman, but evidence begs to differ), who really tries to lead this sorry pack of idiots, being one of the two sensible persons in the movie(other being the ship's captain-he just doesn't care). This obviously leads into a conflict or two between the three parties, which is trying to be plot-related but realy is not, and ends up being just annoying.

The next thing(associated with the first really) is this movie's absolute lack of science. Everyone's always just basing everything on assumptions and hunches, and fiddling foreign(plausinbly containign alien contaminants unknown to man) and alien objects bare handed, and the best way of finding out what a thingy does is pushing one's hand into it. Of course it works, and is pretty effective, but also simultaneously puts you and everyone around you into a mortal danger. NO SCIENTIST WORKS THIS WAY. Also the lack of sense, like going venturing an alien structure and allowing two team members to break off and wander off on their own, trying to return to the ship but failing to do so because they get lost although one of the two IS THE GUY WITH THE GORRAM MAP. Which he announced quite clearly few scenes back. (Also the technoviking geologist guy was pretty amusing character, although made of stupid still). Then they are left behind on the structure when the silica storm hits and shit hit's the fan and a hentai tentacle penis appears and throatfucks the other guy and kills the other too. While being stoned because the technoviking smuggled a fucking bong INSIDE HIS SKINTIGHT SUIT like a jackass. Science at work, kids.

Then there's the gorram alien head which they bring on to the ship in a giant zip-lock bag and meddle with it again, bare handed wearing little to no protection. And then they slam A FUCKING ELECTRODE into it's nerve clusters to see if tehy can make it speak and shit. Instead they manage to fucking blow it up. Because that's how scientists work, goddammit! It's the worthies genetic experiment ever and we diddle around with it like ten-year olds! And again the "no contaminants" thing, it should be "no KNOWN contaminants". Enjoy your space-AIDS, idiots. Also the annoing science lady' boyfriend starts acting up, because Daniel the homicidal android poisoned him(Good shot, Dan!) They end up burning him because it's the smart thing to do(Points to the Aryan lady, or Charlize Theron). The Aryan lady also has an escape capsule with a separate life support system and among other things, A FUCKING GRAND PIANO. Because that's fucking important on a science vessel.

Then it comes to light in a medical scan that the sterile science lady(Noomi Rapace) is three-months pregnant after ten hours of having sex with her bf(Who's quite crispy by this point). in such a short time, one would certainly feel a lump that big forming in one's lower stomach. Then, instantly after the realization she suddenly gets extensive pains to the lower stomach, and runs for the automated surgery thingy in the Aryan lady's personal palace of piano&pleasure, only to find out that it's pogrammed to do ONLY MALE SURGERIES. Really questions the Aryan lady's lady parts. But the annoying science lady gets on the machine(who apparently can't tell a man ad a woman apart) by lying to it, and then pumps her legs full of, I presume, painkiller. Then the machine just cuts her open and takes the squid embryo out and staples her back together. The surgery machine apparently hasn't heard of internal bleeding or the doctor's trade at all(I mean, I could do better and more legit surgery than this million-dollar bucket). Then the science lady RIPS HER OWN UMBILICAL CORD LIKE IT'S NOTHING.(Side note; stuck umbilical cord that has to be removed manually is the biggest cause of mothers dying giving childbirth. Because it bleeds like a motherfucker.) I laughed, it was quite silly. (After these events, on high drugs and having propably severe internal bleeding, the annoying science lady, among other things runs and fights evil, ehile she should be slumbering on the medbay floor singing about how rainbows taste good or somesuch. I don't know, never been on drugs, but I know enough about medicine to know that they hve that kind of an effect. (Also the machine has propably never heard of such things like anaesthesia. Or has no idea how it works, because it failed quite well with it)

Then the now-mutated technoviking attacks the ship after they open the ramp and go investigating the grotesque carcass like idiots, and an unnamed character gets killed, and they kill the technoviking mutant by driving over him/it and shooting at it with guns they farted out of fucking nowhere. (Why din't they carry the guns in the first place? I mean they're ONLY making a likely-violent first contact with an alien race, nothing could go wrong!) Also David(the homicidal android) discovered an alien ship with a living Kratos-alien-creature in stasis, and they take the Mr.Weyland(saw it coming), who was suggled aboard by the Aryan lady(Charize Theron) who, in a jawclenching plot element is Mr. Weyland's daughter. Or son, I don't know, to the alien ship to meet his maker. Maker apparently didn't like his ugly prosthetics because he plops David(the homicidal androd)'s hear off and kills Mr. Weyland, or mortally wounded his already dying body. So he kinda killed an already dead man. Then the now-awake and angry Kratos-alien tries to take off and fly the ship to Earth(The ship being loaded with the canister thingys that contained the alien black goo and weird ampulls with the aim to kill everyone. Heroic captain decides to intervene and crashes Prometheus into it's side and crashes them both. Aryan lady removes herself from the ship before the crash via a lifepod(instead of her lifeboat thingy which was also jettisoned. Makes no sense). She ends up flat under the crashing alien ship which also almost ended the annoying science lady(Noomi Rapace), but not quite. She's running out of air and rushes to the lifeboat that crashed nearby, to make a reminiscent to the original Alien movie's ending scene aboard the escape craft Narcissus. The squid embryo has while all this shit happened growed into a Cthulhu, and tries to throatfuck the annoying science lady, and then David(the homicidal android)(or his head) contacts the science lady, and tells that he's coming for her, and boom, Kratos out of fucking nowhere. Sciecne lady cunningly releases Cthulhu on him and runs like a sissygirl. Kratos is throtfucked and eventually gives birth via his chest to a weird prototype of the original alien(not big surprise).

While this shit goes on, the science lady retrieves David(the homicidal android) who claims to know how to pilot an alien ship off the rock, and they have this stupd conversation about god an creator, that could have been VERY deep, and COULD have saved the movie if it was made a bigger part of the plot,but instead the idiot of a science lady just shrugs it off with a "I believe in what I choose to believe", which makes no sense in a situation where the origin of humankind was proved to be something else than god. They fly off to have revenge and THANK GOD the credits roll.

WHAT WENT WRONG:
-Action movie instead of a Sci-Fi horror like the origina flicks.
-Baaaaaaaaaaad acting performances besides David(the homicidal android)
-Stupid plot
-stupid characters
-Setting mishaps
-Lack of science(beyond movie allowances of suspension of disbelief)
-No message delivered although message delivery intended

WHAT WENT RIGHT:
-Pretty. Very pretty.
-Good scripting for the android.


There. Don't watch it. I'd show it to people as a demonstration of a badly done and pointless movie but I'm pretty sure it's against the Genova convention.