I've lately comen to wonder what will I leave behind. I know, it's kinda early to think of it, as I am only just turned 18, but then again, every turn might be my last. But. back into the subject: what will be my mark? Will it be meaningful? Will it affect anything? What or who are my legacy?
Lately I have also dreamt of what would setting up a family be like. It's not the first time, but it's a first time in a long while. Maybe it's because my promise is almost filled, maybe it's that I'm jsut becoming lonely. What would raising kids be like? What would I teach them? What would I tell them about their grandparents, their ancestors? Then again, do I even want kids? Do I want to bring more people to strain the already too thin-stretched planet of ours? Do I want to bring chilren to a vile world like ours? Should I even have a legacy, or would it be better(or worse) to the world if my memory just ceased to exist?
I have also thought of the possibility of having a relationship again. Though Her memory is still strong, and hasn't faded, I have learned to suppress or convert the energy that earlier projected as sadness. She is no longer a restrain, but a power source. As clichy as it sounds, I have finally managed to face my weakness and turn it into strenght. Though I still haven't(and propably never will) forgiven myself.
All of this, though, has a dark side too. As a result, I have been pretty exchausted for some time. Also I have been more snappy than usual, and even more remote from People than usual, and I'd like to apologize it. I's not much use, I know, since most of people don't read my blog, but like this I can make terms of it with myself.
Things won't go down as I'd like them to, that's for sure. But then again, do they ever?
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