Fuck.

Love feels bad. It hurts.

I shall not fall again

No. I won't. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much I'd like to. No. You'll just reject me. Just turn away. Is that what you want or what I want? I SHALL NOT FIND OUT.

Even if you'd come to find me from the depths of the dreamlands, I won't. I think of you, yes. Every day. Every single day I think what would have happened if I didn't give it back to you. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. Hopeless. Lonely. Distant. Even from myself.
That choice destroyed my life and all I valued. Even you, partially.

That part of me is dead. Gone. Why can't I even accept that myself?

Damn!

Once,
a long time ago
You said that I am whoever I want to be.
Well.
I want to be your boyfriend.
I want to be allowed to love you.
I want your happiness.

I lost my chance, didn't I?

Ow.

*Sigh*
If I still had the strenght to cry I would. If I weren't an absolutist I'd be drunk.
 I am a fool. Fool Who gets too attached to things. This happened the last time I was in love, it happened now, and, most likely, would happen if I were to fall in love once more.

But no.

I don't want this, not all over again. No.
Now I remember the times when I was completely rational. Those were great, though lonely times.
I still love you, no matter what, but I won't take a chance to lose you all over again.

heartrate around 120/min

Yeah, not the calmest mood right now.
A very close friend got hurt, luckily seemingfully not too baldy.
I. Am. In. A. Kill. Mood.
And angry to myself for not being capable to protect those I love.