Some people on this planet are meant to die.

Some people still find it surprising how "cruel" and "heartless" I can be.
Of how I can shrug accidents and deaths with a simple "Oh well" or "Had it coming".

It is because humanity needs examples.

There are celebrities. Celebrities who people adore and whose lives people want to live. And replicate.
Awful lot of these celebrities have alcohol and/or drug/etc. problems. These also being things that people want try. Because nothing your beloved celeb does can be wrong, right?

Every time when a celeb dies of alcohol poisoning or overdoses, something inside me screams "Yes!".
That is because people need to see where lives like their can lead into, and what is the likely end for them.
THIS is why I act as I do.

A hundred wishes

Inspired by my idol, Adam Savage, I decided to do a list of one hundred things that I wish for.
Here goes.

1. I want to fix everything between me and my (ex?) girlfriend
2. I want a proper workshop that I have access to whenever I want
3. I'd really love to be able to fly
4. Or teleport!
5. I want to learn how to fence with a longsword(properely)
6. I want a Metal Gear
7. I want a functional Blade Runner gun
8. I want to learn how to fly a helicopter
9. I want to work in the movie industy
10. I want an AI that I can talk with (IE. Jarvis, GlaDOS, etc.)
11. I want a power armor
12. I want to have a room full of occultic/magical artifacts
13. I want an endless supply of Mountain Dew
14. I want to build a functional hidden blade from Assassin's Creed
15. I want to learn how to properely tool leather
16. I want a complete WWII US Paratrooper uniform
17. I want a Luger Parabellum P08 (genuine)
18. I want to meet Harrison Ford
19. I'd want to speak of ethics with Hitler
20. I want the tumbler from Batman Begins or The Dark Knight
21. I want a Zündapp motorcycle(with a sidecar)
22. I want a DeLorean time machine
23. If I had a DeLorean Time Machine, I'd want to meet the following persons:
-Leonardo Da Vinci
-Nikola Tesla
-Charles Darwin
-Abraham Lincoln
-Stan Winston
24. I want to visit the Antarctica.
25. I want to circumnavigate the globe on a motorcycle(preferably with someone accompanying me)
26. I want to go and show the creators of the TV series "Deadliest Warrior" how it's supposed to be done
27. I want to keep a lecture about espiongage during the Cold War
28. I want to have a polar bear
29. I want to run a formidable prop studio
30. I want to go to Australia one day
31. I want a Portal Gun
32. I want to have dinner with Anthony Bourdain
33. I want to go to Chernobyl
34. I want a Foxhound coat
35. I want a Pandora PC
36. I want to visit Florence
37. I want to be on an episode of MythBusters
38. I want to build a scale model of a sail-powered battleship with functional cannons
39. I want to re-enact naval battles with the battleship (with other people controlling the other battleships)
40. I want to have a library with one of those rolling ladders
41. I want a revolver
42. I want to make a parachute jump
43. I want the backpack Sam Fisher has in Splinter Cell: Conviction
44. I want to meet Sir Cristopher Lee
45. I want me&my friends to have a CODEC that we can talk with
46. I want to make a big archeological discovery
47. I wish archeology was what it is in movies
48. I want to have a secret passage to my workshop
49. I'd want to play the violin
50. I want to have ridiculously huge collection of cool headgear
51. I wish I could have a drink with Hellboy (this is one I share with Adam Savage)
52. I want to have an underground section in my house
53. I want to go to Maker Faire one year and meet Adam Savage
54. I wish I could have at least one romantic dinner with the woman I love.
55. I want a CNC-mill
56. I want to have a duffel bag filled with weapons, ammo and tools in a secret compartment in the trunk of my car
57. I want one of those touch screen computer tables and to play a real-time strategy game with it
58. I want a Gravity gun from Half-life 2
59. I want to build a rocket launcher platform that shoots water pressure rockets
60. I want to have a time with Van when we'll marathon play all Metal Gear games
61. I want to be stranded with a bunch of friends to a cabin in the middle of nowhere for undisclosed period of time and play boardgames in candlelight
62. I want a 3D-printer
63. I want to go for an adventure
64. I want alot of spy gadgets
65. I'd like to be a woman for a month to know how it feels
66. I want to win an argument with my philosophy teacher
67. I want to have a tower in my house and have my office&bedroom on the top of it
68. I want to build a radio-controlled helicopter fitted with a camera
69. I want space where I can display my cosplay costumes and props
70. I want to keep a lecture about prop making in some con
71. I want to have a secret hideout in a public but hidden place (like in the sewers)
72. I want a carboard box that I can wear and hide under
73. I want to build a man-portable gauss rifle
74. I want to hear The Rhapsody of Fire live during my lifetime
75. I wish someone'd come to me asking to buy jewelry made by me
76. I want to perform a HALO jump
77. I want to travel to Prague one day
78. I want that Derringer-wrist rig from the 2008 Sherlock Holmes movie
79. I want a tower that is shaped like a birdcage to my house(as a garden)
80. I wish that I'd never have to cut grass
81. I want someone to make the clothes that I have designed
82. I want night vision goggles
83. I want a computer that runs The Witcher 2 on ultra
84. I want to survive an apocalypse
85. I want to build a Mad Max-themed car
86. I want boots that boost my jumps (so that I could jump around 2 meters up)
87. I want a HUD in my sunglasses
88. I want a Lancer assault rifle from Gears of War
89. I want a battlemech
90. I want to go hiking with my friends
91. I wish I could be friends with every people I admire
92. I wish I could understand and read all languaged in the world
93. I want a hoverboard
94. I want a bathroom that looks like ancient temple ruins
95. I want to meet&talk with Clint Eastwood
96. I wish that my life wouldn't be so boring
97. I want a pistol-sized flamethrower
98. I wish that things would turn well for me soon.
99. I want a Soliton radar
100. I want to re-live 12/6/2010


*phew* This took a while...

The little things.

It usually is a voice. The something in your head, that says "get down" or "stop". The thing that has saved my life more than a couple of times. People say that it's intuition. Others say it's luck. Some say it's god.


To me, it's accidence. The little moments in your life when you realize, that if you'd have taken one step forwards, or slowed down, you'd be a hell of a mess. That is no intuition. That is no luck. That is no god.

That is life, reminding you of how fragile a human being is, how little is enough to toss you over the fringe.
Wrong place. Wrong time.
Wrong person.

What?
No, shut up.
SHUT UP!
I know! Just..
I KNOW! SILENCE! LET ME BE!
No! It's not like that it's...
NO!
I Know I do!
I FUCKING KNOW
I know I can't too, I do, no need to repeat it-Shut up!
COULD YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE NOW?!
OUT!
I know.
I know!
I KNOW!

WOULD YOU KINDLY LEAVE MY HEAD, LOVE I KNOW I CAN'T GET HER BACK.

Again, this question...

Who the hell am I? Who the hell do I think I am? Why do I think so? Why do others think what they think? What do they think? Who the hell do others think I am?

Fuck.

Love feels bad. It hurts.

Well now it's getting exiting.

Now I am not sure is everyone else boring or am I pathetic. Regularly my psyche is so overconfident that I wouldn't wonder about things like this. Interesting, yes.
 Back to business, people are so boring and negative of every single surreal idea and can't understand a joke. On the other hand my jokes are extremely bad because I am tired because I couldn't sleep last night. And why I couldn't sleep last night. Well if I'll say that I was crying my loneliness and placelessness in this world you wouldn't believe me because you think I'd be sarcastic about it, but now that I said it out loud you aren't so sure am I kidding or not. Fuck yeah, crypticism. Or is it even cryptic? Is it cryptic only because it isn't cryptic but it was written so that it sounds like it is cryptic? Yeah well my jokes aren't really even that good normally.

I'm not making any sense again.

Fascinating.

It is very fascinating
That how little and puny such thing as life is
Life is fragile. Easy to break. One single bullet, 300-gram slug of lead and copper, one swift move of a blade
We break easily. Human body, and mind aswell. Especially the mind.
Yet so powerful, capable to rule, to command,
To love
Then I am forced to wonder, What love really is?
Respect? Care?
Truth?
Once I think I knew what love is. But I am no longer sure, can't remember.
All I remember is that it was wonderful. Something worth living for. Something worth dying for.
Something I sacrificed everything for and never asked anything back.
Heh, and guess what? I didn't get anything back.
Nothing but memories, memories which I'd better forget.
Dreams that I can never achieve again.
Dreams that I am not sure do I want to achieve again...

Yes, I fear. But even more than I fear, I know in my heart, that I am alone.
Again.

This is good, isn't it?

I find it very meditational to repair, disassemble and reassemble broken things. I don't know why, but I just find it extremely calming to have pieces fit tigether like clockwork.

Disassemble, clean, repair, reassemble. Disassemble, clean, reassemble. Disassemble, reassemble...

Especially firearms. And other similar mechanical things with alot of moving parts. It's just.... Soothing.

Oh well, look at that.

There is a sun outside.

On a separate note.....

It was fun at Juha's place to play Tekken and Halo for a bit. And I have forgotten how beautiful silence sounds like. It was also beautiful to walk home along a partially lit road under a starry sky. I think it's the first time this year I have had time or a chance to look at the stars. *Sigh*, thoughts, memories.
Painful.