About friends who clearly are not OK.

I have this habit of taking care of my friends. It has evolved over a stretch of time, and I seem to be gifted with it, as everyone who have allowed me to help have left with a weight lifted off them. Or whatever they feel.

 Yeah, some people that I have encountered have also considered the offer of help an insult. I don't know why, maybe they are just too damn proud or consider their matters their own or too grave for me to tend to (as a notifier: I'm no stranger to dragging people off bridges the long way, nor confiscating someone's sharp things). Or those people might not like me at all, hell if I know.
 I admit: it has became a habit. When someone I care of is troubled in any way, I find my self neck and neck responsible for it(some times I am), and feel a duty of helping to sort it through. I have encountered more than my share of suicides and suicidal people, and I know that no matter how strong person you are, nor how silly the matter is, the threshold is VERY shallow. I take precautions on even the smallest things.

 Helping people with problems is like defusing a bomb: even if it isn't a real threat or armed, it still has to be treated as one. I know that most people are pretty hair-triggered about other people meddling with their matters, and know that in the other end of the scale is the possibility of eternal(or otherwise pretty darn long) hatred towards me.
 Also a thing in common with bombs is the fact that things most likely are complicated: settling one matter might make things worse, too. Things tend to be chained, and one wrong word can lead into hours, days, or even months long shitstorms.

I hope you people can understand with feelings other than cynicizm and sarcasm that when I offer help, I really, REALLY just want to help, and sincerely do care for you. It really hurts me when someone jsut rudely shoves my offer aside, or even worse gets angry because of it. I know some of you feel like I'm pushing it, and I might be, but please even try to understand.

 I have been repeatedly informed that I don't have a heart, but even if I don't seem like it or show it, yes, I am a relatively human being, and I have feelings too. When I meantion it, my concern is real, and some of you people that have to endure me are truly dear to me. I wish you can understand it, or even try to do so.

What?
No, shut up.
SHUT UP!
I know! Just..
I KNOW! SILENCE! LET ME BE!
No! It's not like that it's...
NO!
I Know I do!
I FUCKING KNOW
I know I can't too, I do, no need to repeat it-Shut up!
COULD YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE NOW?!
OUT!
I know.
I know!
I KNOW!

WOULD YOU KINDLY LEAVE MY HEAD, LOVE I KNOW I CAN'T GET HER BACK.

Fuck.

Love feels bad. It hurts.

Ah shit.

I don't care. Nobody cares. Why should anyone care!
I do not give a damn about what will happen if I behave like I behave!
If I want to be a nitpick then I'll be! Maybe I don't want any friends! Ever though that?
When I went completely heartless, I stopped talking to anyone. Noticed that?
I want the truth. And I'd like to have it full.

Ow.

*Sigh*
If I still had the strenght to cry I would. If I weren't an absolutist I'd be drunk.
 I am a fool. Fool Who gets too attached to things. This happened the last time I was in love, it happened now, and, most likely, would happen if I were to fall in love once more.

But no.

I don't want this, not all over again. No.
Now I remember the times when I was completely rational. Those were great, though lonely times.
I still love you, no matter what, but I won't take a chance to lose you all over again.

Whoa.

Everyone dreams. But not equally.
Those who dream by night, in the dark recesses of their minds,
fear the day when theycome to know, that it was vanity.
But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people.
For they can act their dream in front of their eyes, to make it possible.
This, I did.

But what does all this mean?
Be careful what you wish for. It might jsut come true.
(with me it did not)

Okay, can't be good.

Muscles in my body around my heart and chest are spasming uncontrollably. This is extremely unpleasant. Hopefully not dangerous(might be).

I wasn't prepared for this level of stupidness.

In other words, like it comes as some kind of a surprise, I am bored. Mostly. A few days I have been joying myself by being a complete asshole to some people, which has been, rahter surprisingly, enjoyable. Well, it's their own fault, they made me mad! And payed! And will pay in future!
 *sighs*, I still am bored most of the time, bored and tired (would that be tored?)

The Witcher 2 has intrigued me for two days now, and I am looking very forwards to leading an adventure in those premises. Well, saturday. Not that far away.

Also, I have been very confused about few matters, which make no sense at all. I could dwell more into this, but I'd rather have her tell it to me of her own incentive.
Correction, VERY confusing.

heartrate around 120/min

Yeah, not the calmest mood right now.
A very close friend got hurt, luckily seemingfully not too baldy.
I. Am. In. A. Kill. Mood.
And angry to myself for not being capable to protect those I love.

Well look at that, I have almost fixed my sleep rythm.

Holidays end soon, only a weekend left. Can't tell if it's a bad thing, I wouldn't want to get back to studying right now, but in school I'd have at least some social activity, and I'll have less time to think about things, which might help with my sanity a little right now.
 Hopefully we'll start playing HeroQuest weekly again, it's at least somewhat fun, depending on people's moods. Oh, and artschool's spring term begins also. Awesome.
 In calendar there is Kitacon, Rovaniemi's comic day and Bakacon before summer. Needless to say, all planned costumes are technically not even started yet.
 Now that I started watching out of the window, silent friday morning...
Quiet, calm, peaceful.....Isn't it hateful?