I feel like all my fandoms are being stolen from me.

That's right.

I've been thinking for a long time what to write about, and finally I have a viable subject.

 There's this one certain guy(and a couple others, too) that like same games and movies that I do. These guys could be good friends to me, except if the weren't COMPLETE ASSHOLES.
Rrr.
 The one certain guy I spoke of, for example, is the most egocentric, narcistic asshole I've ever met. Really.
I used to be in OK relationships with him-don't know how- until once a common friend of ours suffered a traumatic experience, and he laughed about it, with passion. And promoted how cool guy he was because it didn't happen to him, immediately after it. Now if that doesn't scream mental disorder, what does?

This guy gives me a headache every, single, fucking, time I see him. And unfortunately that is pretty often.

And how much would I give to kill him, preferably semi-fast. Don't want to get myself dirty, and want to get rid of him as soon as possible.

 Now that I have claimed to hate him, I'll get on with it.

I share fandoms with him. For example, Metal Gear Solid and Elder Scrolls. Now that Skyrim is out, I hear him tlaking about it constantly. And whenever I see someone play Skyrim or talk about Skyrim, My mind makes a connection to him. The same with MGS. For very obvious reasons this is pissing me off.

 I know some(most) of those who'll read this will consider this(and thus, me) nitpicky and vainglorious, I don't give a shit. For me particularly this is a very big and annopying deal.

It's good to be working again.

As the title says. It's been too long since I'd made props. It's good to be back in the workshop.
On the downside, the workshop time eats my sleep time, but who needs sleep anyways. I can sleep days in if necessary. I prefer night-time anyway.


Nothing drastic has happened. Life is still mainly boring. Though Discovery channel is quite treacherous to me. It _Forces_ me to watch it late into the night, because all the interesting programs air at night! Bloody hell! Not that I complain! I jsut get stuck on front of the telly instead of eating, going to bed or other creative activity.

I signed myself to a game developing course on my school. Came out of the blue. Will see soon what comes out of that.

Winter is coming

Slowly yet steadily. Life is becoming avid of content, more and more I find myself doing nothing but thinking.
In essence, it is a bad thing too. I have maybe too much time to settle my thoughts, which reveals....questionable facts.

Surprisingly I find myself with this feeling again.

24h Comic Book Day

..Which I am attending today from 1800 forth. So far no idea what will I ddrawwrite about, but it's getting to it...
..Somewhat.

Not so urget happenings:
My comp is currently on the fritz, so I'll be less online and updating my stuff than usual. Dunno how long this state will last, unfortunately.
I haven't been doing really anything lately, so in any case, I wouldn't have anything to write about either.
No big loss I guess?

77...

...of hours being awake. Well, minus the occasional minute or two that i dozed before a security guard stabbed me back to conscience.

That said, Tracon VI is gone by. And have to say, propably the best con this season. I has lots and lots of fun and met old friends and made almsot ridiculous amount of new ones. The few lectures I attended were intereting, although the tire got the best of me once in a while, and missed portions.
 As usual I didn't go to see the cosplay competition, since the photos will be in the internets anyways. I took surprisingly small amount of photos (only 109; gasp!), as I usually take around 300-500pics/con.
 LARPING IS FUN! Something I had forgotten, unfortunately. But yeah, the larp was fun, met lots of nice people there =D

People I'd like to thank for this weekend:
-Jani: Thanks again for being a great, great friend! Hanging around  with you makes anything fun =)
-Aaro: As above, so below! Thanks for organizing people to take care of my&other con-goers' stuff =) Don't play too much Witcher, although a good game it is, leave time for your gf too, she's a great person.
-Juha&Linda: For company on train trips, for being good friends and for convincing me to buy the Firefly DVD box!
-Janne: For ABSURDLY AWESOME lectures and tolerating my stupidity =)
-Chris: First time in a long while I argued properely with someone, thank you truly for that. Also thanks for triggering self-searching in me, I needed that.
-All the people whose names I can't remember, people who let me take a picture of them, whom I chatted with, and the people organizing the larp.

Greatest thanks goes to Pinja for listening to me and cheering me up when I was tired and down, you saved my weekend=)

About friends who clearly are not OK.

I have this habit of taking care of my friends. It has evolved over a stretch of time, and I seem to be gifted with it, as everyone who have allowed me to help have left with a weight lifted off them. Or whatever they feel.

 Yeah, some people that I have encountered have also considered the offer of help an insult. I don't know why, maybe they are just too damn proud or consider their matters their own or too grave for me to tend to (as a notifier: I'm no stranger to dragging people off bridges the long way, nor confiscating someone's sharp things). Or those people might not like me at all, hell if I know.
 I admit: it has became a habit. When someone I care of is troubled in any way, I find my self neck and neck responsible for it(some times I am), and feel a duty of helping to sort it through. I have encountered more than my share of suicides and suicidal people, and I know that no matter how strong person you are, nor how silly the matter is, the threshold is VERY shallow. I take precautions on even the smallest things.

 Helping people with problems is like defusing a bomb: even if it isn't a real threat or armed, it still has to be treated as one. I know that most people are pretty hair-triggered about other people meddling with their matters, and know that in the other end of the scale is the possibility of eternal(or otherwise pretty darn long) hatred towards me.
 Also a thing in common with bombs is the fact that things most likely are complicated: settling one matter might make things worse, too. Things tend to be chained, and one wrong word can lead into hours, days, or even months long shitstorms.

I hope you people can understand with feelings other than cynicizm and sarcasm that when I offer help, I really, REALLY just want to help, and sincerely do care for you. It really hurts me when someone jsut rudely shoves my offer aside, or even worse gets angry because of it. I know some of you feel like I'm pushing it, and I might be, but please even try to understand.

 I have been repeatedly informed that I don't have a heart, but even if I don't seem like it or show it, yes, I am a relatively human being, and I have feelings too. When I meantion it, my concern is real, and some of you people that have to endure me are truly dear to me. I wish you can understand it, or even try to do so.

Some people on this planet are meant to die.

Some people still find it surprising how "cruel" and "heartless" I can be.
Of how I can shrug accidents and deaths with a simple "Oh well" or "Had it coming".

It is because humanity needs examples.

There are celebrities. Celebrities who people adore and whose lives people want to live. And replicate.
Awful lot of these celebrities have alcohol and/or drug/etc. problems. These also being things that people want try. Because nothing your beloved celeb does can be wrong, right?

Every time when a celeb dies of alcohol poisoning or overdoses, something inside me screams "Yes!".
That is because people need to see where lives like their can lead into, and what is the likely end for them.
THIS is why I act as I do.

Finncon-Animecon 2011

What to say of it... Propably the third best weekend of my life. Met alot of friends, old and new, had fun, and sweat'd like a whore in a church.

 There were a couple of let-downs during hte weekend also, but msot of them are highly personal matters which I intend to keep to myself.

I didn't record vlogs this time, since my vlogs didn't get that much attention, but when I get some privacy, I'll do a picture collaque to which I intend to ramble over about the weekend. So look into that later.

Valve, you slimy sonofabitch...

Guess who downloaded Team Fortress 2 from Steam(as it is f2p nowadays).
Guess who is completely hooked.

(It's a fucking great game)

RAGE INCOMING

Do you know what fucks me up totally?
Do you?

THAT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PERSON WHO WALKS PAST WHILE I PLAY WITCHER 2 COMMENTS SOMETHING LIKE "Lol, two frames per second, stop playing, not worth it get a better computer lol" IS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND THAT SOME PEOPLE DO NOT PLAY GAMES BECAUSE THEY LOOK GOOD, I PLAY GAMES BECAUSE I ENJOY THE STORY. THAT IS WHY I DO NOT ENJOY GAMES LIKE FINAL FANTASY OR KINGDOM HEARTS BECAUSE OF THE EXCESSIVE GRINDING THAT IS REQUIRED. GODDAMN ELITISTS GO AND DROWN IN YOUR OWN SHIT.

*phew*

I swear, to gods that if a SINGLE person does that again, I'm going to lacerate him/her beyond recognition and feed to his/her parents.

Yes, I might be losing my mind, who knows?

Sometimes I really wish I was born a girl. No, not because males are idiots, although that too, but because most (86,4%) of my friends are female. I can't be an equal part of the grup with them, I can't speak with them like they speak with eachother, not because I wouldn't understand them, far from it, it's because I am male. I can't hang out together with them like girls hang out together, because people instantly think that we would be dating or that I am dating someone of the group. This really pisses me off, and sometimes I truly do think of walking out of that group just because I know that if I did, both parties would fare better, and the discrimination and gossiping would end.

I hate you, modern world. I hate gender discrimination, I hate th norms between genders and I hate norms in male-female friendships. I hate people who make conclusions without any ase to their thoughts and I HATE THE FACT THAT I CAN NEVER BE CONSIDERED AN EQUAL PART OF THE GROUP.

A hundred wishes

Inspired by my idol, Adam Savage, I decided to do a list of one hundred things that I wish for.
Here goes.

1. I want to fix everything between me and my (ex?) girlfriend
2. I want a proper workshop that I have access to whenever I want
3. I'd really love to be able to fly
4. Or teleport!
5. I want to learn how to fence with a longsword(properely)
6. I want a Metal Gear
7. I want a functional Blade Runner gun
8. I want to learn how to fly a helicopter
9. I want to work in the movie industy
10. I want an AI that I can talk with (IE. Jarvis, GlaDOS, etc.)
11. I want a power armor
12. I want to have a room full of occultic/magical artifacts
13. I want an endless supply of Mountain Dew
14. I want to build a functional hidden blade from Assassin's Creed
15. I want to learn how to properely tool leather
16. I want a complete WWII US Paratrooper uniform
17. I want a Luger Parabellum P08 (genuine)
18. I want to meet Harrison Ford
19. I'd want to speak of ethics with Hitler
20. I want the tumbler from Batman Begins or The Dark Knight
21. I want a Zündapp motorcycle(with a sidecar)
22. I want a DeLorean time machine
23. If I had a DeLorean Time Machine, I'd want to meet the following persons:
-Leonardo Da Vinci
-Nikola Tesla
-Charles Darwin
-Abraham Lincoln
-Stan Winston
24. I want to visit the Antarctica.
25. I want to circumnavigate the globe on a motorcycle(preferably with someone accompanying me)
26. I want to go and show the creators of the TV series "Deadliest Warrior" how it's supposed to be done
27. I want to keep a lecture about espiongage during the Cold War
28. I want to have a polar bear
29. I want to run a formidable prop studio
30. I want to go to Australia one day
31. I want a Portal Gun
32. I want to have dinner with Anthony Bourdain
33. I want to go to Chernobyl
34. I want a Foxhound coat
35. I want a Pandora PC
36. I want to visit Florence
37. I want to be on an episode of MythBusters
38. I want to build a scale model of a sail-powered battleship with functional cannons
39. I want to re-enact naval battles with the battleship (with other people controlling the other battleships)
40. I want to have a library with one of those rolling ladders
41. I want a revolver
42. I want to make a parachute jump
43. I want the backpack Sam Fisher has in Splinter Cell: Conviction
44. I want to meet Sir Cristopher Lee
45. I want me&my friends to have a CODEC that we can talk with
46. I want to make a big archeological discovery
47. I wish archeology was what it is in movies
48. I want to have a secret passage to my workshop
49. I'd want to play the violin
50. I want to have ridiculously huge collection of cool headgear
51. I wish I could have a drink with Hellboy (this is one I share with Adam Savage)
52. I want to have an underground section in my house
53. I want to go to Maker Faire one year and meet Adam Savage
54. I wish I could have at least one romantic dinner with the woman I love.
55. I want a CNC-mill
56. I want to have a duffel bag filled with weapons, ammo and tools in a secret compartment in the trunk of my car
57. I want one of those touch screen computer tables and to play a real-time strategy game with it
58. I want a Gravity gun from Half-life 2
59. I want to build a rocket launcher platform that shoots water pressure rockets
60. I want to have a time with Van when we'll marathon play all Metal Gear games
61. I want to be stranded with a bunch of friends to a cabin in the middle of nowhere for undisclosed period of time and play boardgames in candlelight
62. I want a 3D-printer
63. I want to go for an adventure
64. I want alot of spy gadgets
65. I'd like to be a woman for a month to know how it feels
66. I want to win an argument with my philosophy teacher
67. I want to have a tower in my house and have my office&bedroom on the top of it
68. I want to build a radio-controlled helicopter fitted with a camera
69. I want space where I can display my cosplay costumes and props
70. I want to keep a lecture about prop making in some con
71. I want to have a secret hideout in a public but hidden place (like in the sewers)
72. I want a carboard box that I can wear and hide under
73. I want to build a man-portable gauss rifle
74. I want to hear The Rhapsody of Fire live during my lifetime
75. I wish someone'd come to me asking to buy jewelry made by me
76. I want to perform a HALO jump
77. I want to travel to Prague one day
78. I want that Derringer-wrist rig from the 2008 Sherlock Holmes movie
79. I want a tower that is shaped like a birdcage to my house(as a garden)
80. I wish that I'd never have to cut grass
81. I want someone to make the clothes that I have designed
82. I want night vision goggles
83. I want a computer that runs The Witcher 2 on ultra
84. I want to survive an apocalypse
85. I want to build a Mad Max-themed car
86. I want boots that boost my jumps (so that I could jump around 2 meters up)
87. I want a HUD in my sunglasses
88. I want a Lancer assault rifle from Gears of War
89. I want a battlemech
90. I want to go hiking with my friends
91. I wish I could be friends with every people I admire
92. I wish I could understand and read all languaged in the world
93. I want a hoverboard
94. I want a bathroom that looks like ancient temple ruins
95. I want to meet&talk with Clint Eastwood
96. I wish that my life wouldn't be so boring
97. I want a pistol-sized flamethrower
98. I wish that things would turn well for me soon.
99. I want a Soliton radar
100. I want to re-live 12/6/2010


*phew* This took a while...

The little things.

It usually is a voice. The something in your head, that says "get down" or "stop". The thing that has saved my life more than a couple of times. People say that it's intuition. Others say it's luck. Some say it's god.


To me, it's accidence. The little moments in your life when you realize, that if you'd have taken one step forwards, or slowed down, you'd be a hell of a mess. That is no intuition. That is no luck. That is no god.

That is life, reminding you of how fragile a human being is, how little is enough to toss you over the fringe.
Wrong place. Wrong time.
Wrong person.

Now, at this day, I can finally see...

My last case opened in me a new fear...a real fear...a fear of myself, of what I am...and of what I have always been.
All that I was, is now lost. Hope? Purpose? Pleasure? All meaningless.

I now walk in the shadows between worlds...and it is there I have finally glimpsed upon what lives in the dark corners of the Earth...

What?
No, shut up.
SHUT UP!
I know! Just..
I KNOW! SILENCE! LET ME BE!
No! It's not like that it's...
NO!
I Know I do!
I FUCKING KNOW
I know I can't too, I do, no need to repeat it-Shut up!
COULD YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE NOW?!
OUT!
I know.
I know!
I KNOW!

WOULD YOU KINDLY LEAVE MY HEAD, LOVE I KNOW I CAN'T GET HER BACK.

Bakacon's gone

...four days ago actually. Just haven't got the strenght nor the will to write anything up before this. Been _very_ tired after the weekend. But still, I'd want to go back...

Enough mourning. Props are in terrible shape, been fixing them and my bag is still packed.
The next day I got home, I finished editing the vlogs I promised in FB, and now they're all uploaded on my Youtube channel ( http://www.youtube.com/user/Legion101st?feature=mhee ).
Please do forgive the crappy angles, I didn't have a stand or a tripod of any kind with me.

Well, this(the last regular week of school) week's been painful. I've been constantly tired. As the contrip somewhat recharged my mental battery, it depleted my physical battery. The first time I feel like I'm going to need the oncoming holiday.

Animecon's coming, five weeks to go and I haven't got any of the cosplay's even started and

I think that's enough.

I feel like the only one of my friends who updates regularly...

SO.
Bakacon next weekend. Little thrilled, since my cos is about half way through. BUT I'LL FUCKING DO IT.

Nothing much happening. Life being, as usual, boring. Springs seems like the time when nothing ever happens to anyone. Goddamnit, it's already May! It'll be summer soon! And even brighter and hotter! Fuck!

..And with summer ends the first year of highschool. It has been, surprisingly, quite enjoyable. At first I thought that studying would be as pain in the ass as it was back in junior high, but when comparing to junior high.....Man that was PAIN.

Enough ranting. Bottomline: Bored with a hint of stress and deadlines.

So, some of you must wonder how I spent the May Day?

...Like I have followers who'd truly be interested.
Most of the time I was home, and made the cos for Bakacon, which I should do more, because I have a deadline of 12 days from today.
 On sunday(that is[was] today) I went to the town with a handful of friends, all clad in organization XIII coats. Curiously enough, everyone who ever questioned us of what we were doing thought that we were PR'ing some political party O___o. And an old man questioned me why the youth nowadays wear hoods. Couldn't find other reasonable answer than "Trial to look good" with such short notice.

 Well, that was my May Day. Sounds boring? At least I wasn't drunk and wondering that did that one guy rape me or not, so fuck you. FYI, I had a blast. So does that make me boring? No, my life just is, and you need a hell of a lot more than just one holiday to impress me, so save your moralities.

Another thing, no, I am not angry.

A little worn down I guess.

 Well, the easter holdiay was not so much of a holiday, because I worked _hard_ and long to finish the props for Bakacon (which I did). Seems like my lifestyle has started to wear me down. As school started, I got sick too. Nothing too serious, I just don't feel too good and have a little fever. Nothing that I couldn't shrug off, and propably will be gone by tomorrow. (Hopefully)

Again, this question...

Who the hell am I? Who the hell do I think I am? Why do I think so? Why do others think what they think? What do they think? Who the hell do others think I am?

Fuck.

Love feels bad. It hurts.

I know you were right.

I know it, I reap what I sow: Force answers force, war breeds war, and death only brings death. To break this vicious circle, one must do more than act without thought or doubt.

Sometimes I just want to sleep

Found Adam Savage's Twitter and readed it for a good few hours. That man is an idol to me.
Have been really unproductive lately. Haven't slept much.(Like I normally sleep that much)
Fifth period of highschool started. Can't believe that the first year is almost over.
Summer and cons are slowly rolling around. No cosses even started yet.
Okay, I think I'll watch a bit of anime and then head off to bed.

Have a good one.

Well now it's getting exiting.

Now I am not sure is everyone else boring or am I pathetic. Regularly my psyche is so overconfident that I wouldn't wonder about things like this. Interesting, yes.
 Back to business, people are so boring and negative of every single surreal idea and can't understand a joke. On the other hand my jokes are extremely bad because I am tired because I couldn't sleep last night. And why I couldn't sleep last night. Well if I'll say that I was crying my loneliness and placelessness in this world you wouldn't believe me because you think I'd be sarcastic about it, but now that I said it out loud you aren't so sure am I kidding or not. Fuck yeah, crypticism. Or is it even cryptic? Is it cryptic only because it isn't cryptic but it was written so that it sounds like it is cryptic? Yeah well my jokes aren't really even that good normally.

I'm not making any sense again.

Fascinating.

It is very fascinating
That how little and puny such thing as life is
Life is fragile. Easy to break. One single bullet, 300-gram slug of lead and copper, one swift move of a blade
We break easily. Human body, and mind aswell. Especially the mind.
Yet so powerful, capable to rule, to command,
To love
Then I am forced to wonder, What love really is?
Respect? Care?
Truth?
Once I think I knew what love is. But I am no longer sure, can't remember.
All I remember is that it was wonderful. Something worth living for. Something worth dying for.
Something I sacrificed everything for and never asked anything back.
Heh, and guess what? I didn't get anything back.
Nothing but memories, memories which I'd better forget.
Dreams that I can never achieve again.
Dreams that I am not sure do I want to achieve again...

Yes, I fear. But even more than I fear, I know in my heart, that I am alone.
Again.

This is good, isn't it?

I find it very meditational to repair, disassemble and reassemble broken things. I don't know why, but I just find it extremely calming to have pieces fit tigether like clockwork.

Disassemble, clean, repair, reassemble. Disassemble, clean, reassemble. Disassemble, reassemble...

Especially firearms. And other similar mechanical things with alot of moving parts. It's just.... Soothing.

Oh well, look at that.

There is a sun outside.

I shall not fall again

No. I won't. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much I'd like to. No. You'll just reject me. Just turn away. Is that what you want or what I want? I SHALL NOT FIND OUT.

Even if you'd come to find me from the depths of the dreamlands, I won't. I think of you, yes. Every day. Every single day I think what would have happened if I didn't give it back to you. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. Hopeless. Lonely. Distant. Even from myself.
That choice destroyed my life and all I valued. Even you, partially.

That part of me is dead. Gone. Why can't I even accept that myself?

Reviev of the movie I am number four

Well, I went to the movies tonight and watched the movie I am number four. And man it was made of stupid.

Okay, I am totally going to spoil the movie here, so if you are pallning to watch it, read no further. On second thought, read further, you may save some money.

In the beginning, nothin is explained. Stuff just happens for no reason. Who are the guys who look like Voldemorts? What's the deal with the necklace? Why is the boy hunted? Why is there that blue glowing glob on the pommel of the knife? And know what, none of this is ever really explained. Except the Voldemorts, which seemingfully are Monrovians or something (this is the point where I bursted in laughter in the theater)
Ok, so the aliens are Mogarodians(Chuckle) Who, as said are bald aliens who hae sharpened teeth, wear kickass trenchcoats and have gills ON THEIR FACES. Wtf? How high does one need to be to invent something like this?

 Enough sporfling about the Monrovians, we zoom into the life of one John Smith(seriously? That's his name? John Smith? Like if writers just didn't invent a good name for their main character and called him John Smith. And it's even joked about in the movie! ) Well, John Smith is one of the survivors of an alien race that lived on the planet Lorien(Where are these guys from? Middle Earth?) but he is one of the nine "special descendants" who possess weird skills kalled "The Legacy" that makes their palms glow. Yyeah.
 So these nine are numbered from one to nine, and the Mongalords want to kill them(never explained why) in numerological order from one to nine(Again never explained why). Well, our main character John Smith is the number four(Like you couldn't guess that by now). Apparently the designer of these nine is a masochist, because when one of the nine dies, the other nine get a nice crop rings burned to their legs with a nice light effect (WHY?!??).  Legacy grants the user weird powers, as for John Smith gains force push (really, now that's original)

 If it is not clear by now, these aliens are badly developed. Why are they on Earth? What the hell is the purpose of these nine? How did they come to exist? TOO MANY QUESTIONS UNANSWERED!

Okay, John Smith and his childkeeper Henri move to a new town because the light effect was seen and taped by someone and was posted to youtube or something. They move to a new town, they fight a little, Smithy goes to school and just falls in love wth this girl who, for some reason, invites him to her home for dinner. After the dinner they move to the girl's room and JOHN JUST STARTS TO READ HER DIARY. Although she says that it's kinda private, she does nothing to stop him. and then he's openly an ass to the girl and then they fall in love. Well sorry to ruin your moment guys, but LOVE DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
After that Johnny screws around again which results in photos in the internet of him doing the alien thing which results Henri's wish that they move away from the town. Results in a fight where Henri says at first that it's just a  highschool crush and that he should forget it and after two minutes jsut says to him that their race falls in love only once (Well that made sense). And then they stay and stuff happens.

 The town also happens to be the residence of the son of a guy named Malcolm who tried to unite the nine, because they were more powerful together(What was the point to separate them in the first place?)
Yeah, clichés. This movie has them alot.

 And then there's the dog. Dog that was a lizard originally, but then turned to a dog and then suddenly was a fucking chimaira after being a dog for the whole movie. Convenient. Very. And then there are the Mogadishu people's hairless giant flying squirrels(oh yes, really.) This movie is very stupid.

I am not going to speak of the trial of romance in this movie, because it's identical to any other teenage love drama. But it's more stupid because it makes no sense.

And ou know the worst part of it? THEY ENDED IT OPENLY. I swear to god that if this shit is going to get a sequel, I'll watch Twilight again.

Bottomline: This movie was extremely stupid, do not go and watch it. Please. Don't go.

One day left

Saturday went by pretty fast. I woke up at 2100 and went to buy dew.
After I got home, I did the portfolio assignments and wrote the short stories for finnish class, and studied a bit maths and logics(got no homework from them because my teacher is a cool guy)

After those, I idled. For a long time.

Friday rolls over

AND MAN IT WAS NO DIFFERENT.
Again, I spent the whole day at the computer (Do I do this too much?), doing the exact same things over and over. So, I watched Nostalgia Criticfor about 25 vids more.
 Joonas also dropped by and borrowed the PSP again, only that he forgot to put the Peace Walker back on to the memory card(He'll bring it tomorrow, and I'll have Portable ops+ too. MGS fanboyness, yay!

 Other than that, tomorrow I might want to look into homework abit, so that I wouldn't forget that I go to highschool. I have about three portfolio assignments to do, homework from at least three courses and at least two short stories to write. Why did I pack all of this to the last weekend? (Again)

Oh well, I guess I am off to bed soon.

...And yet another uneventful day.

Today I, again, spent at the computer. I watched Nostalgia Critic's videos, about 40 first of them. Along it I also did a few another things, drew a little, and was generally bored.

Now I am tired as hell, and I am heading to the pit of unsettling.

Have a good one.

Once again a morning update...

Bed trapped me again, as I got up at 2100 today =/
Well, the day(or night actually) went past, surprise surprise, at the computer. I finished watching Spoony's videos(I mean all of them) and swamped through several sites, discussed of actions after a zombie apocalypse, drew, got bored and drew some more. All in all, a boring and uneventful day.

The day of being awake.

I have been awake ever since the last blog update, that was 15 hours ago(And up to that point I had been already awake for over 24 hours) And, not much has changed since. I dwelled more into Elysians of Imperial Guard during the day and generally swamped through the internets.

Around 1800 I left to town to team up with Juha and Linda to go to Juha's place and watch How to train your Dragon and Life of Brian. Both were, a expectable, very good films. The only thing about HTTYD was that the main character looked exactly like one friend of mine, which, of course, breeded many hilarious situations.

About half an hour ago I left from Juha's place and came home, and almost instantly wrote this.

Pretty basic day, really.

A little late, yes.

Today(Yesterday) wasn't much. I spent the whole day rolling in my Pit of Unsettling (That would be my bed, and yes, I do call it by that ridiculous name), which upsetted my mom quite a bit. Finally, rising up and getting dressed at roughly 1800, I did the dishes and went to the computer, and have been here ever since.
What, you never spent over twelve hours at the computer?

Anyways, technically the only thing worth mentionable that I did today was that I watched the whole Spoony's Let's play of Phantasmagoria 2, and beginned With the Let's play of Ripper. (And some dwelling into the weaponry of the Warhammer 40.000 universe)

That, as short as it is, sums my day quite literally.

More will follow tomorrow.

On another separate note....

I'll try to record my skiing holiday here daily.

Feelings right now? I need to settle things with Van.

On a separate note.....

It was fun at Juha's place to play Tekken and Halo for a bit. And I have forgotten how beautiful silence sounds like. It was also beautiful to walk home along a partially lit road under a starry sky. I think it's the first time this year I have had time or a chance to look at the stars. *Sigh*, thoughts, memories.
Painful.

Now I officially need to die.

*sigh*

I watched Twilight.
Voluntarily.
AND MAN IT SUCKED. Just about the worst movie I have ever seen. On par with all of Uwe Boll's productions I have seen(And I have seen Alone in the Dark, mind you) 
I lost count around seven when I counted the reasons why Bella should go see someone of medical profession. The girl clearly has problems. And his father does what? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing! Gives her a pepper spray and later quite clearly tells her to go out to town in the night.

 The whole "Twilight saga" (Twilight was just the name of the first book, not of the series you idiots, you even fucked that up) completely wrecked the traditional vampire thing. Also, it was completely full of mistakes (And I mean it was full of them, not just continuity mistakes, but mistakes with their own vampire thing ,especially the sparkly thing). From those I was capable to keep a count, and am going to list them here to annoy you. From here follows spoilers(Like anyone cares) and utter stupidity. You have been warned. Run while you can.

-In the scene where Bella and Edward arrive to school together, as they are walking through the crowd you can see the sunshine on Edwards left cheek but no glittery effect is being shown at all.

-In the scene where Bella is talking to Edward just after she comes out of the doctor's office (when Edward, Carlisle and Rosalie are talking), you can very faintly see the rims of her contact lenses

-When Bella and Edward talk in the woods, Bella drops her backpack in front of a tree. In a subsequent shot, the backpack has disappeared.

- In the baseball scene, Rosalie slides into home and her pants are dirty. The next time she's up to bat, her pants are clean.

-When Bella is researching on the computer, she finds a page that spells the word "Apotamkin" (correctly), but when she opens the page, it now spells the word as Apotampkin.

-When Bella is at the salad bar in the lunchroom, she knocks over the apple and Edward catches it. In the next shot, neither Edward nor Bella have it.

-When Edward jumps out of the window, he drags a tree with him, but he isn't very close to it. Also when Edward jumps, he stays level to the ground. Just because he is a vampire it never means that he can disobey the laws of gravity.(At least was never explained)

-When Edward stops the truck from crushing Bella, it is clear that the side of the truck is crushed before it actually reaches them.

- In the hospital scene when Edward tells Bella she should go to Jacksonville you hear the heart monitor in the background and although Bella is visibly upset the heartbeat continues at the same rate.

- In the first biology lesson, Bella walks past the fan, and Edward's papers fly up. If the fan was in his direction anyway, his papers would have been flying up before Bella arrived.(Also while in front of the fan, her hair was messed up. Although as she sat, her hair was completely fine)

- there is a point where James rams Edward's head into the mirrors, shattering the surface. However, Edward's reflection on the shattered surface remains intact, instead of being a fractured reflection, as would have been the case when a mirror shatters.

-In the scene Edward comes into Bella's room and kisses her, Bella is at first wearing sweatpants. Then she is wearing shorts instead when they kiss.

-In the ballet studio fight scene, Bella grasps an injured right leg with her left hand. When Bella is in the hospital, the cast is obviously on the left leg which is under the blanket-the silhouette of the leg is straight and much larger than the right leg, which is thinner, flexed and has skin exposed at an area which would have been covered had it been in a bandage or cast. But when she and Edward go to prom, the injured leg is again the right leg, which is in a cast.


These are just the few I was capable to pick up. The glitter thing annoyed me the most, Because it was their own invention, and even then they didn't get it right. And, exactly what did Bella see in Edward? All the time he was just an annoying prick to her! Mentally healthy people do not work that way!  AAAAARG! DIE STEPHANIE MEYERS, DIE!

Atlas is dead.

The thing you all have to understand is this: Atlas you knew is dead. The world killed him, asked him to make one sacrifice too many, cross one line too far.  His love killed him. Asked him to withstand betrayal, time, distance, and then she ran off. She was the only thing that humanized him. And his friends killed him. Pushed him, told that he was living a lie and to forget about her. That love died that night....And so did Atlas. So he left. Left her, left his friends, left love and hope for it, left it all behind. Cut off the world and went walkabout looking for a reason to live.

Eventually he'll find it. But when he does, no-one can stop him-I sure as hell can't.

*Sigh*

I didn't believe that mental things could effect physically on people earlier, I though of it as just some "New age mumbo-jumbo". Damn how wrong I was.

Well, I'll explain at first: I am VERY ressitant towards bacteria and viral diseases. I can eat pretty contaminated food without any effect on me, while other people are racing about which can puke the most in a minute.(And when the swine flu was a big thing, my whole family was infected, but not I. Hell, my system negated the effect of the shot given to counter it) And, when I am sick then, I'm not sick for long, like, six hours, tops.

Well, last night I lost technically everything I ever had, so needless to say that I am quite shocked(Oh, and don't come telling me that I have changed, it won't help). Then, as I woke up in the morning, I had fever, sore throat, headache and clogged nose. I took meds for them, no effect. I slept for six hours after school, no effect, still sick. Seems like my whole resistance system against bacteria and viruses went out of commision.

Oh, and other thing. Penkkarit. Or specifically people celebrating graduating.
WHY IT IS SO HARD TO FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT SOME PEOPLE DO NOT WANT THAT YOU'LL MESS THEIR FACES WITH LIPSTICK AND GLITTER.
Yeah, and the general "We are so much better than you, worship and we'll give you candy after we have made you look like a complete clowns" thing. Doesn't cut my cake(did I just invent something new?)

So, in general, I have lost my extraordinary skill of not getting sick, I have been insulted and fucked with the whole day, and to top it, my ENTIRE life-planning was just swept off it's basin.

As I no longer have any psychic or physic stoppers of making everyone else's life as miserable as possible, you'd better be fucking prepared. Because I have been set free.

If I can't give, I'll take.
Accept the truth, be fueled by my hate.
At least I know it's always there for me.

If I can't give, I'll take.
Accept it, it's the truth.
Be fueled by my hate.

At least I know that it's always there for me.

Ok, now which one of us is the immature one now?!?

Okay.
At a forum I am a member of (won't tell the name) I have been blamed for being myself.
Most of the complaints come from being subtle. Writing short. Many other people on the forum do it too but I am the only one who gets complained about it.
Another thing is that I am getting blamed for being symbolic, mystic, and sarcastic with my sayings.
NOW SINCE WHEN HAS THAT BEEN ILLEGAL ANYWHERE? Seems like the mod is on a personal crusede against me. Not my fault if she's not smart enough to understand what I say, hell, I haven't even directed but one saying agaisnt her, and even that was as clear as day.
UNDERSTANDING OF SARCASM AND SYMBOLISM IS HELD MATURE GLOBALLY.
 Fuck your forum, I shall quit posting from now on.

Get a hold of it, goddamnit.

Ponderings...

For once again I wonder have I lost my reason to live forever.
It definitely seems so. If I am capable of gaining back what I lost, I'd be the first one for her who'd do so.
I feel lost. Coverless.

Oh, and just a notifier,
It's Him who you want to stop, not me. He's the angry one of us, and I have told it to you mire than once.
He exists, you should know it.

It was you who set him loose. I can't keep him chained by myself.

Damn!

Once,
a long time ago
You said that I am whoever I want to be.
Well.
I want to be your boyfriend.
I want to be allowed to love you.
I want your happiness.

I lost my chance, didn't I?

Ah shit.

I don't care. Nobody cares. Why should anyone care!
I do not give a damn about what will happen if I behave like I behave!
If I want to be a nitpick then I'll be! Maybe I don't want any friends! Ever though that?
When I went completely heartless, I stopped talking to anyone. Noticed that?
I want the truth. And I'd like to have it full.

Ow.

*Sigh*
If I still had the strenght to cry I would. If I weren't an absolutist I'd be drunk.
 I am a fool. Fool Who gets too attached to things. This happened the last time I was in love, it happened now, and, most likely, would happen if I were to fall in love once more.

But no.

I don't want this, not all over again. No.
Now I remember the times when I was completely rational. Those were great, though lonely times.
I still love you, no matter what, but I won't take a chance to lose you all over again.

Whoa.

Everyone dreams. But not equally.
Those who dream by night, in the dark recesses of their minds,
fear the day when theycome to know, that it was vanity.
But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people.
For they can act their dream in front of their eyes, to make it possible.
This, I did.

But what does all this mean?
Be careful what you wish for. It might jsut come true.
(with me it did not)

Okay, can't be good.

Muscles in my body around my heart and chest are spasming uncontrollably. This is extremely unpleasant. Hopefully not dangerous(might be).

*Vomit*

Okay, diesel engine doesn't run with gasoline, neither is apple juice ever going to replace Mountain Dew for me.

Do I look like a masochist? Don't answer that.

This was a very exchausting day. Firstly it was school from 0800-1500, then I stayed at school with Valtteri, Juho and sis(For no reasonable reason, of that matter). After that, we ventured to my place, wok'd food and were generally geeky. Then we went to Valtteri's place with original idea of just going to get the car and get my sis home, buut we got kinda delayed.
 After a while we finally got ourselves moving and sis got home, by this point it was about 2100. Then I and Valtteri went to Valtteri's place, because I hadn't seen the Dragonlance animation film. While it loaded, I watched an episode of The Big Bang theory and two episodes of House.
 By then, the Dragonlance had loaded and we watched it. I hope I wouldn't have done that. It. Was. Bad. Really bad. Only the fact that Kiether Sutherland(Jack Bauer, for you not civilized) was the voice of Raistlin got me giggling. And I can just wonder the hours the animators spent on animating the female character's tits bobbling up and down.

Then I got home.

I wasn't prepared for this level of stupidness.

In other words, like it comes as some kind of a surprise, I am bored. Mostly. A few days I have been joying myself by being a complete asshole to some people, which has been, rahter surprisingly, enjoyable. Well, it's their own fault, they made me mad! And payed! And will pay in future!
 *sighs*, I still am bored most of the time, bored and tired (would that be tored?)

The Witcher 2 has intrigued me for two days now, and I am looking very forwards to leading an adventure in those premises. Well, saturday. Not that far away.

Also, I have been very confused about few matters, which make no sense at all. I could dwell more into this, but I'd rather have her tell it to me of her own incentive.
Correction, VERY confusing.

Okay, this day went well

Wasn't as utterly bored as I was yesterday. HeroQuest went fine, though the adventure was a bit too short, and Mikko's character litarally went through the dungeon IN ONE TURN. That...was amazing. Buut next adventure will be fucking long, you had this coming!
 After HQ it was Spoony and Let's play SWAT4. Hi-larious. Absolutely priceless.
Apparently I should have an english text for tomorrow, it's booked in my calendar, but I can't find any instructions for it. I haven't got any notes of it, no papers, no word limits, nothing. Gúess I'll have to ask for a day more of time because of lack of data on the subject.

All in all, pretty good day. Tomorrow I'll have school from 0800 through 1700. Sometimes being an art studen really sucks.

I'd kill all but one of you for a bottle of dew.

Oh how much I hate being idle. There's just nothing for me to do! I. Am. Bored!
Dah, ranting about it here will not do me any good. But at least I have something to write for a while.
 HeroQuest again tomorrow, this time with full cast. Nothing new here.
 Van came over yesterday, as she almost every friday comes (not complaining though-she's great company), so nothing new here either. Had a sore throat. Unfortunate. Got over it though, I'm never sick for long.
Ah, hopefully the next time I really have something to write about.
Nothing ever happens to me.

Mental forecast: snarky bitchnig, self pity and a little thunder.

Mom made me angry to day. Like, really angry. I threw a joke in the air and she started bitching with me aobut it, and spoke of a thing I definitely didn't want to hear, and wouldn't just shut up- even though I told her to for at least eight times.

 Otherwise everything has been pretty cool, school's ok(I still haven't understood even a half of the things went through in maths, but I'm getting to it), except I have Frigging long days. Monday I have 0800-1700, Tue 0900-1500+ artschool (3½h), and wednesday is  from 0900 to 1700. SO I have two evenings in the week not counting weekends to actually do something. It's kinda shitty, but hey, the four-code terms on the third year sound really cool =)

 Went to raid fleamarkets with Van today. Unfortunately I only got time to check the first one. Gotta go check the other tomorrow or next week. Bought myself a shoulder holster, not like I'll do anything with it, but hey, it was cheap. And I like collecting stuff, I love STUFF!

I hid it.

Two sketchbooks, two diaries, two drawings, perfume, elastic band and seven letters.
Sealed off in a box for an indetermined time period.
Even it. It is safe. I didn't break my promise.
I'm not sure do I want to forget, or remember. I don't even know which one I am trying to achieve.
It hurts, yes. But I don't know does it hurt more to have them near me than away from me.
It's a first step, but into what?

SLIGHTLY calmer

Okay, HeroQuest was fun, it's been too long since last playtime. After that we palyed SoulCalibur II (I mostly wiped the stage with other's asses) and then Metal Gear Solid 2's extras. '

Feeling somewhat better. I don't know will I ever be completely healed of this mental trauma. Partially I feel like I've been set free, partially I feel like I'm locked up even tighter. Well, school starts again tomorrow, so hopefully I'll have alot less time to think about things. Hopefully.

heartrate around 120/min

Yeah, not the calmest mood right now.
A very close friend got hurt, luckily seemingfully not too baldy.
I. Am. In. A. Kill. Mood.
And angry to myself for not being capable to protect those I love.

Well look at that, I have almost fixed my sleep rythm.

Holidays end soon, only a weekend left. Can't tell if it's a bad thing, I wouldn't want to get back to studying right now, but in school I'd have at least some social activity, and I'll have less time to think about things, which might help with my sanity a little right now.
 Hopefully we'll start playing HeroQuest weekly again, it's at least somewhat fun, depending on people's moods. Oh, and artschool's spring term begins also. Awesome.
 In calendar there is Kitacon, Rovaniemi's comic day and Bakacon before summer. Needless to say, all planned costumes are technically not even started yet.
 Now that I started watching out of the window, silent friday morning...
Quiet, calm, peaceful.....Isn't it hateful?

Something ends, something begins...

I don't know was this a smart choice to start blogging, or does it have any other kinds of values. I hope to make some sense of myself and my doings with this. I don't know if I wll I ever achieve anything.
 Many things have been going on lately. Most of which I am not sure are they going to a good or a bad direction. I hope I'll find out, sooner or later.